No idea how to start this, so..... i guess i'll start off with something that seems to affect a lot of people.
Recently i've been very depressed. It was in last November through to January. I'm generally known in my close family as the person who copes with anything. The problem is, thats not true. Regardless of what my family think, I dont cope with things. They just get bottled up deep down.
Being gay is weird. I can't imagine NOT liking boys because, I'm Gay (im sure that makes no sense lol). I can tell the difference between pretty girls and the rest, I'm just not attracted to their looks or anything. Some girls i like because of their personality. Anyways, back to what i was saying. Being gay is weird because it's something that creeps up on you. Back when I was like 8, I thought about how hard it would be for people to grow up gay. Little did i know, that would be me.
A sorta started realising that I was at least Bisexual when I was 15. This last Christmas was when the truth finally hit home.
My depression got to the stage where I was pondering suicide as a viable option. We were on holiday in Belgium for 2 1/2 months as my dad had to work there for awhile. I had a lot of time at the apartment alone. I was depressed because I couldn't think what the hell to do next. Whenever I thought about my life, the main things that came to my mind were the bad things. The problem with depression is that all the good things in your life just seem to pale in comparison when compared to the bad. You look for something, anything, a light at the end of that dark, lonely tunnel. I looked for hope, anything I could hold onto. I couldn't find much.
My life was just full of hurt. I was so scared that I would never find someone to love. I mean, there was people I could fall in love with, but would they return it or would they reject me and shatter me into a million pieces? Killing myself was a way out. It seemed like the only end of the tunnel. Now that i think back, that light at the end of the tunnel was false, almost like fool's gold. I looked at suicide as a way to end the pain, to escape from my life that just seemed to be full of promises of further hurt to come. I didn't have anything to look forward to.
As you can see, I ain't Dead. I've decided to live my life, accepting the good with the bad. I'm sick of having to cope with my parents expectation to be successful. My view is, life is there to enjoy, to have fun with. Im gonna do whatever makes me happy, or at least not unhappy.
I'm not very good at this, i go off on tangents. Although it probably doesn't make sense to people, i feel like this stuff is something i gotta get off my chest.
15 comments:
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Parawhores Rule, I just downloaded like another 11 songs of theirs!! Thanks Earl Grey, it seems so pointless now :)
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awwww kool im not sure if you saw what u saud in my blog and im pretty sure that i said it s=to you but if i didnt i can always send you some of their songs i have 60 paramore songs on my ipod at the moment and there are still more that i want to get :)
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Raron
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I just read it Raron, that'd be cool! My dad doesnt like me d/l heaps of songs cos NZ is cracking down on illegal d/l. I don't think I could ever have enough Paramore, they're too good!!
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awwww kool how would thee best way to send them to you
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Raron
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i wonder if its possible to send them by email? we could give it a try?
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It's a very strong, raw and I thik eloquent post, DC. It really is and I really hope you find the end of the tunnel because there is one. It only comes at different times for different people. Thinking of you, boy.
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ok just how would i tell you my email and vis versa coz i dont like giving out my email publically :S
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Raron
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mines on my account Raron (its one i created for this site) so you could just email me first if you want.
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You're too kind Aaron, when everyone comments it makes me glad I went through with making this blog.
DC
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DC,
Being in Belgium for 2.5months would push anybody to consider ending it...
Stick with it mate... I've been where you are and trust me when I say it just gets better and better. And easier and easier!!
I'll be watching your blog with (polite and well meaning) interest.
Philip.
[ Also a gay kiwi :) ]
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Plenty of teens feel the same way about relationship, regardless of their attractions.
Ulrik Munther's "Life" is an interesting reflection of this post.
You might like Toybox's "SuperDuperMan" or "Best Friend" if you need a little pick-me-up from time to time (def alone-time-bounce-around-the-room tunes rather than share-share-with-friends tunes).
DC you are good at this that was a very inetersting read and i really enjoyed it. there is no set rules to what a blog should do and it yours goes off on tangents thats what it does and makes it unique.
Im glad that your feeling better its no fun when you feel that way.
Keep it up you seem to be doing a good job. off to read the next post now
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Raron