Trying To Find My Path

Today. Today was pretty damn cool. No, I didn't do anything out of the ordinary. Didn't see friends. Barely talked with anyone. But what made it just plainly uber-pure-awesome was the fact that I woke up happy. Like really damn happy : )

I dunno, sure, I've got tonnes if stress on me right now, but its like... i've accepted that its gona be one damn bitch of the next cppl of years, but im ready for it :) Its never off my mind, I'm always trying to think of different scenarios that I could face. I'm not going to the Leavers Ball next year, I'm not going to ask a girl to go with me, I don't want to suffer through a night of things being awkward. People can call me gay, I don't care :) Its who I am. Sure, i worry about losing my friends and being an outcast but 'What will be, will be'.

I have exams in three weeks, whoo Yay! (not :P) lol but its the holidays after the so its gonna be real cool. My dad got headhunted by a company called Goodman Fielder and its based in Auckland so every day he's gotta drive up there for work. We bought an apartment up there so some weeknights he can just stay up so no more driving back and forth from the Tron (Hamilton) every day. Its so cool, its right off the main street, its frickin  awesome =D

Me and my mum stayed up there for a week and it was pretty sweet just walking around by myself and admiring the 'scenery' =P lol and my mates have got half-hatched plans to go stay up there for a week or sumthing, im really hoping they're up for it.

Had an awesome party a week again, it was just down my road so i didnt need to bother about a sober driver or anything. Got off my face =D but not a stupid amount. The cool thing about it was its like a social lube (lol =P) everyone talks to ppl they normally wouldn't. It was three people's birthdays put together so plenty of teens :) lol the weird thing was one girl kept on hitting on me and eventually just stole my phone and put her number in it. I was like wtf? anyways it was pretty awesome, lots of free hugs going around :)



The last year and a half, I've been either damn depressed or recovering from another phase of it. I found it really hard to get any motivation to go through each day, the only thing that I enjoyed was being with my friends at school and listening to my music non-stop. But, its somehow different now. I'd already partly accepted myself for who I am, but i hadn't accepted and become okay with the fact that theres going to be some tough times ahead. It doesn't matter though, because I'm comfortable with myself and my life. Whatever is in store for me, I'd like to see if faze me now. I feel like I'm finally Alive =D

Homophobics of New Zealand, be-damned-fucking-ware! =P

Sorry bout the lack of posting, been too busy with studying everyday.

Song of Today: 'Ghost' by Kidz in Space

So I changed the name of my blog. I dunno, I just didn't feel like "Trying To Find My Path" summed up me in a few words. Yeah i am trying to find my path, but i think i like this better =)

Basically "Flightless" is about my love of aviation and dreams of going into that, and mainly be being a Kiwi :D (real life kiwis cannot fly :P) and how I'm stranded and surrounded by obstacles that life thought would be fun to throw at me (can't really see how its fun for me, but i'll just go with it ^_^)

Well this week was just plain boring without L, lol i spent half the week texting him and chatting with him on Facebook.

@J.C "I guess one of the hardest parts of liking the same sex is not knowing, at least for sure, which ones share this same characteristic...


100% correcto, the fact that theres still bigoted homophobes in society doesn't help either. They make it so much harder to come out cos you never now how some people will react.


@Octavius


I don't envy myself either, but its the cards I got from fate (or whatever people believe in) and I'll just have to live with them. Back when I was depressed, i felt like i'd never be accepted and never find anyone to fall in love with. But, If i killed myself, what would it really achieve? Yes, I wouldn't have to go through the difficult and rocky path of growing up gay, but thats worth it if i even get the slimmest chance at a shot of love. I decided to bet on life (lol what is with my gambling similes?) because if i'm determined that, even if my coming out ends up with no friends left over afterwards, some kid 10 years from now will have it easier.


Im not exactly looking forward to coming out to everyone at sometime in the future (theres a lot of bigoted homophobes in New Zealand highschools, peer pressure to think that way is a big reason why) but if it does come out, then i'll be fucked (not literally, get yor heads out of that gutter! =P) before i'll be ashamed of that. If they've got a problem with me, they might find out that gays aren't necessary the stupid stereotype introduced by the media. Muscles and fighting ability aren't restricted to straights, although some of them think that way.


(Sorry Octavius, that wasn't really directed at you, once i started typing i couldnt stop =P)


But yeah, i dunno, i don't think L is homophobic or anything (much). I think he'll probably be shocked but if i told him but.... I'll try what you suggested, its good advice (and like Stef says, you're spot on as usual =D)


Thanks Stef, i'll keepa working at trying to figure out a answer as well =P oh and find some anti-aussie emails =P

How come my gaydar never works on the one person I want it to work on the most? I'll be walking around with friends and stuff and then "Ping!" "Ping!" "Ping!". I see cute guys around, but the one I love the most stumps me completely. It's like, some things I pick up on about him, but then other times I don't. Maybe some times I'm just seeing what I want to see.

So anyways on Wednesday we had a half-day at school. Me, him (let's call him L) and another friend went down to Burger King and met up with two of L's friends. One of them was H (the girl L likes) and she's really cool =) me and her were teasing L for ages, he told me I better start siding with him or else =D. They're cute together =P. I liked the advice I got in my last post, it helped knowing people, somewhere, cared enough to help.
I decided I'd rather be around him, even though it hurts. I just like being around him so much, if I'm sad his smile turns me back to grinning again (lol I got a text from him just as I was crying as I write this, life works in mysterious ways huh =)?). Lol the worst was in the school assembly, where I sat next to him for an hour, and unlike a class,couldn't distract myself in my textbooks. It was driving me mental, here I am squashed in the seats with him at my shoulder, and even though we're touching, I ache for more. I had to go find somewhere quiet where I could think and be alone afterward, I just wanted to grab him and hug him forever the whole time while sitting beside him >.>

I just hate not knowing things, like I can't really guess how my friends would react if I came out to them. Plus I found out that L is going away next week on a sports tournament, so I won't see him til next Monday >.< I'm gonna miss him *sigh* I guess that's just life huh? DC 'Broken' by Lifehouse

Basically, in case you haven't noticed, I'm really good at procrastinating. I just kept on putting this off over and over again.

Finally managed to find a compatible template. And I also finally figured out how to get around the code thing (my Mac stuffs up the code when i try to copy and paste).

Can anyone help me out with this? Theres this new template i want but im having trouble with the codes. Whenever i do it it sorta works but not really.

DC

(Please read my previous post to see the concerned comments that this is about)

People fear what they don't understand. I can understand some people in the world not liking gays. But what really puzzles me is how a parent could stop loving their own flesh and blood.

Mr and Mrs MacP___:

You say that your hopes and dreams for your son shattered when you heard he was gay. Did I miss the email or something? Because last time I checked, someone's sexuality doesn't effect you being successful in life. Your son deserves to have his own dreams, and as parents, you're supposed to support and love him as he strives to achieve HIS dreams, not yours.

And your daughter says she wants to die? What a load of shit. Your son has gone through potentially years of feeling different. Did you ever think about what kind of emotional maelstrom he's been through? For all you know, your son may have wanted to commit suicide. You say that your lives are ruined, that there was no happy ending. What ending???? Would you rather that your son had bottled up his own feelings? How could him trusting you enough to tell you that possibly be ruining your lives? Lets say your son didn't "destroy your lives". He goes through life feeling alone, unloved and unwanted. What if he committed suicide? I suppose that would be good for your all-important "family name" would it?

A "good name and heritage" doesn't mean shit in todays world. People succeed through their own resourcefulness and brains.

I will do no such thing, as you suggested earlier. I will not tell my readers that there is never a happy ending. There is no apparent "happy ending" in your story because YOU make it so. Accept your son as who he is, he is no different as he was before. He is your son. He is the same son you have raised and watched grow for the past 15 years.

Like you said, your wife gave him birth. You gave him your name. But this is his life to live. In no shape or form is being gay your son's fault. And it's not a fucking fault to begin with. Whether you accept it or not, your son is gay. For Christ's Sake, man up and do your duty by him. Love and cherish him, nothing has changed, you've managed to do that for him for the past 15 years. He is still the wonderful person you and your family raised him to be.

Its been scientifically proven that your sexuality is determined when you're born. Its no ones fault, so stop laying the blame on your son for apparently "ruining your life". If you believe in God and not science, does the Bible not say that everyone is created in His Image? And that He loves His creations equally? Don't you see? Your son saw you, his parents, as the ones he could turn to, even when no one else could do that for him. He had tremendous guts to do that. Follow in his footsteps and do the same. Have the guts to do your job as parent, which is to love and support your children no matter what.


I am in no way doubting the great job you have done raising him so far :)
I apologize if what I say sounds insulting, its not intended. But I do believe that you just needed a helping hand to get back on the right track. I would appreciate it if you would read everything I said and take it under consideration. Everything I wrote, I wrote because I care =)

Just remember, anyone that ever feels like talking have a Kiwi friend in me :)
I'm only ever an email away.

P.S @Rosemary:  Feel free to vent whenever and however as much as you want, thats what This is for, and everyone is welcome to share it with me :) You are not to blame for your son Rosemary. There's nothing to be blamed for as he's still the same son you had yesterday as the one you held and nurtured as a baby. I'm glad your son has you Rosemary, I feel so sad about what happened between your son and his father. Feel free to talk here any time :)

@The Therapist:
Sure, I'm not "qualified" in your sense of the word. But I am qualified in a different way. What you have with your experience with cases, I make up for with my personal experiences. I'm glad we both have the want to help and support others.

But I would prefer it if people would stop trying to analyse others. When you do things like that without asking people, it can so easily come across as you judging them. Thats sort of a touchy subject around here as this community come here to escape stress and to be themselves. Whether you intended it or not, you or your associates seemed to come across as aggressive. Instead, it's better to come across as more friendly, as we all support each other rather than try to cold-bloodily analyse them critically. Again, I'm not saying you intended it to sound that way.


DC, still =D

So about 7 weeks ago I came out to my parents. It certainly was not how I planned it, as you will soon see.

Basically my mum was very disappointed in my English Exam results. In NZ we have a really retarded system in high school. You pass the year as long as you have 80 credits. You can get one of 4 types of credits/marks for work. Not Achieved, Achieved, Merit, and Excellence. Now we had done practice exams a couple of weeks earlier. In our exams we have to do 5 papers, 4 of them being essays and the other an extremely hard analysis of unfamiliar texts. In the practice exams I only got 3 achieves, 1 merit and a not achieved. Now because I wanted to get better marks (If you get a certain amount of your 80 credits as merit or excellence then you pass the year with 'Achievement With Merit' or likewise with excellence) I decided to focus on 3 of them only. It paid off. The hardest paper, which was the unfamiliar text one, was worth the most credits. I got Merit on that and on one of my essays as well. The other essay i got an achieved.

Anyways, my mum not really knowing the system, goes f***ing crazy, threatening to pull me out of my school, have an interview with the principal, etc, etc. This pissed me the hell of as I'd been going through some very bad times that year (my earlier post, u know, the one about me possible committing suicide? lol). I mean, I go to an all-boys school, every single bloody day I was reminded how fucked up I was (my mind wasn't exactly in the right place as you can tell). So yeah, that sorta stopped my doing great in school that year.

As my mum is going crazy, she's demanding an explanation. So I tell her straight because I'm fucking depressed. Cue more yelling. She then kept on yelling at me until I told her why. I refused. She left the room, saying she wanted an answer when she came back. I wrote on a piece of paper the words "I am fucking depressed because I am gay."

Now my parents are great, very liberal, modern people. They just expect too much from me. I couldn't cope with all the pressure from that and having issues with being gay so I just became extremely moody and depressed. That gave them as a shock, as generally I don't become moody with people.

So Anyhoo, Mum, shocked, finally stops yelling and starts trying to tell me its okay. I just said Get Out, I dont want to talk. After 30 mins, we talked about it, if there was anyone i liked, ect.

So yeah, after then it hasnt been mentioned. Mainly cos they're cool with it. The closest its come to being a topic of a conversation was when we were talking about an upcoming ball thingy a cppl og days ago. And she just said I could take this girl friend of mine (notice its two words not one lol). Btw that also happens to be the girl I mentioned in my profile.

So, as you can see, it didn't exactly come out as how I've thought of doing it.

I guess my biggest shock was when I finally wrote those words down on that piece of paper. Like, I'd known it was true, I'd accepted it but when I saw those words it was like a weight off my chest, I'd told the world who I was.

DC, still =D

These two guys, 4000 miles apart, make such a cute cppl. I hope they get to meet!!
Check out their blog, its pretty cool.

P.S. I found them through your list of followed blogs Stef. =)

DC

Update: Lol srry about not posting the link, here it is.
Cody 'N' Tylers Blog

Aw I'm banned from the computer for this weekend, I'll try to sneak on later and read my emails and your guys comments later.